The End.

As I turned off the light and locked the top bolt of my New York apartment I choked up. I had built a life here, I had gone all over, see more than my eyes ever thought they would behold and met some of the most amazing people. I fell on my face, cried my eyes out over love, money and insecurities. Everything fit into two boxes and a suit case. But my mind, my dreams my eyes and my heart were over flowing with memories, images, trinkets, life..

I sat in my room this empty room covered in memories. The Beatles painting still on the wall because it wouldnt fit in the box. The bar I cheers my life to empty with those tiny white candles who watched all of us who entered grow. The streets that I belted song, fought the snow storms, laughed till I cried and rescued animals were stiller than any night. The smiles seemed brighter in this town this last week ... like when I got here. I came here for an adventure and lived a whole life.

I had been inspired and yet I am leaving. I am leaving out of feeling, love, fear, trust .. that it will be even better upon my arrival. It's bitter sweet leaving people who I know may not be here forever but are captured in every footstep. Stuck in the streets leaving their dreams, worries, thoughts and life behind.

Thank you New York, I grew, I learned, I loved you. The city that taught me to see the beauty in a man down and out on his luck, on someone stuck till their next dollar or lover came through. The city that spent late nights wondering the streets as we shared our feelings, gazed at others as they walked by. The city that taught me a street corner is the most beautiful thing a city can create and that you really can buy a jacket of quality after midnight on the streets of the village. That history is in everything if you are willing to seek it. That even though you may posses everything we want and hate as a city you know how to let us leave without the human fear of if we will return or not. You have no hesitation you have trust that your beauty, charm, smiles, adventures and the way you shape our hearts and show us that there is good out there.. in everyone.. everything.. everywhere... you know we will be reunited again.

Till next time New York.

Caitlin

LTS

I sat across from someone at the bar tonight having epic conversations and in-between the thoughts I just couldn't stop thinking of our conversations in your living room and how much I missed hanging out with you.

I wish I could... feel.. comfortable in our friendship and I could tell you that.. right now.

Can I just not have a bank account?

I don't think I was ment to have one. I will be like one of those little old women that put it in a shoe box in their closet. But I dont have a closet either. In the past 6 days I have had someone call at 8 am trying to fraud my account switched my bank account had no money for three days while waiting for a new card and checks, then had the person I was living with take that card and go on a move out spree, punch my roommate in the face over a simple argument, leave us with his heartbroken girlfriend and leave without so much as a word.I have had to file police reports on someone I thought I knew, filed claims for something I trusted did to me. I have had someone who I considered a best friend hate me when I have not had the time to explain and how I also know he wouldnt care to hear. Not that he should. But I am dealing with cops with losing everything but clothes and my laptop (thank god I got that back) and being screwed by NY and yet if I wasnt bitter and annoyed he would have been there for me to cry to.

I have had enough of the world for a while....and I miss my friend...

Over the last 6 days that was the only thing I had previous control of... I screwed that up all by myself.

Rolling in the deep.

I have been thinking about this a LOT lately.

Why, hell if I know... and neither does God.

I am in love with your mind that I knew. With your touch every now and then. Your laugh. Your honesty. You knew so much about me that you didnt even know you had access to.

My mind was laid out and I screwed it up...

To bad I fell in love to late.

All in all we cannot stop singing
we cannot start sinking
We swim until it ends
They may kill and we may be parted
But we will ne'er be broken hearted

If I met me now...

At bottom every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.

Our life is composed, like the harmony of the world, of discords as well as of different tones, sweet, harsh, sharp and flat, soft and loud. If a musician liked only some of them, what could he sing? He has got to know how to use all of them and blend them together. So too must we with good and ill, which are the substance of life. If only we were fruitful fields, we would at bottom let nothing perish unused and see in every event, thing and man welcome manure.

-Friedrich Nietzsche

I had an occurrence with one of the sweetest people I have met in NY to date and he told me something I am not sure that I am comfortable with but, still gave me a complete feeling. He told me that there are girls who are different types and that if I had one it would be that of almost a siren. Calling dreamers to express, create and dream until they find it in themselves to do it on their own. Drowning in creativity they emerge complete.....I was taken aback.

Looking into the last year or so it makes some sort of sense (even though its all how you spin it). We came to the conclusion that girls of the "same kind" are amazing to talk to, want to help, desire to help others see the best in themselves or the situation and for the time being are seductively attracting to the inner desires of the man. This I can deal with...completely...I like to think of it as a muse. Hahaha.. me ... a muse.

On the walk home I began to think and a few tears froze as they fell down my face... you never heard of a myth in which the siren finds her one love...

At some point we women are sirens in one way or another but, to think that the way I am naturally and doing the things for my friends might be my own poison is pretty heavy stuff. Life is about your perspective on it.... the best is yet to come.

2011

Has come in hitting me like a brick.

So much to get done, so sick, so tired. So many revamping situations and so many projects to move forward with.

I'm excited if 2011 is the last full year we have, damn I am gonna kill it. -- In a nice way. :-)

In light of recent and not so recent events I am leaving whatever happen negative in 2010 behind. It was an INSANE year...Graduated from College...again...moved to a new state...started the adventure again on my own. Watched my self fall in and out and back in love. Saw my best friend fall in love and said be safe to others traveling the globe doing what they do best.

2011 has no resolutions and no things to change.

Work harder, be better, help more, change for the better!

Who wouldn't want to spend a year that way.

Oh! I did the time square thing for new years with Eric....(what)...yea it was amazing. The biggest party on New Years and celebrating with someone who has been apart of my last year all along. Watching the ball drop and thousands of people cheering, a ton of confetti and we will just forget the Jersey Shore was close by at MTV. ;-)