:-)

I should be sleeping but, that has been such a dull time lately.

I am currently addicted to Netflix: movies with a strong female lead.

I believe this speaks volumes to my bursting personality right now. I am so alive with curiosity and passion. How lovely, I think anyway.

The view from my room when all the lights are off is beautiful and I stare out of it for hours on end thinking, singing to myself, and attempting to yet again learn the guitar. That sounds extremely unproductive, self-taught guitar lessons by the moonlight. It's going splendidly.

I like to wonder what people are doing in this town right now. Most of them sleeping. Some of them dreaming. Few of them watching the moon just like me.

Goodnight well rather Good Morning 3:30 am moon watchers.

Chris Angel blows my mind.

Ok, so as a kid a thing me and my dad did was watch magic shows. It could be at the downtown Disney store with slight of hand, or at a show, even on TV. Remember when TV was watchable and they played magic shows on TGIF Friday and what not? So Lance Burton (check), David Copperfeild (check), David Blane (check, also let's throw in a laugh), The masked magician (check, you remember where they showed you how they did tricks). So needless to say as far as magic goes I enjoy it.

Criss Angel - Most likely the weirdest and most bashed on magician. Think what you want but lets at least agree this guy is CRAZY! But alas a great performer and well...mind freak. He even convinced his girlfriend to marry him and then hide it for four years for his own image. This guy has done pretty much everything, broken world records, set up tricks that seem impossible, knows his magic history and even put his name in the Guinness Book of World Records for 2010. Along with these feats the man has his own TV show and a show in Las Vegas. Now granted magic on TV can always be changed up, edited, put in with actors, who really knows what's real anymore on TV.

The disappearing trick is typically done with slight of hand such as a coin or card up a sleeve. Or in a larger setting with mirrors.

Criss Angel's most recent feat on the disappearing audience "100 gone" in which he had 100 people disappear on a platform that were chained together, surrounded by a group of people at the bottom of the platform chained together, in a room full of people. He proofs are in which he had a POV camera in the curtain with him and a "spectator" with a SPOV camera. Now listen, yes it was TV, yes I know. HOWEVER, the curtain goes up and then BAM curtain down and it's just Criss BY HIMSELF! Now regardless of anything I thought at the time my jaw hit the floor.

Here are some of the obvious or at least what we can assume.

-IT'S TV! The editing possibilities are endless.
-Everyone likes to be apart of something and let's face it most of this world thinks they are "the next big thing in show biz" so finding an audience paid or not, NOT HARD.
-Mirror trick still possible (except for him running around the stage because if the mirror trick was being used he would have run into someone.
-Not sure if he brought anyone on stage after but that could reinforce.
-IT'S TV! The editing possibilities are endless.

Regardless.

IT WAS SWEET! Really some part of me likes to believe in this magic and think that these people are random and some of this is just real, I mean why not, people believe in the tooth fairy!

Last point.

You never see the people come back, and no one mentions the people that don't come back. No one cares, and frankly he doesn't mention it. Both a bit sketchy and makes you wonder, what happen to those people? But regardless no one cared to know.

Watch Criss Angel it's a good time at 2 am.

ouch.

Have you ever felt your heart rip in half.
You lie awake all night staring at the ceiling.
Re-playing life over and over.
Visual memories always hurt the best.
Just as you think you will never sleep.
Silence. Deep Silence.
As the sun streams and your eyes flutter.
You wonder.
The ache in your chest reminds you.
Still you wake up and smile, push forward.

There will always be that empty part.
Without this.
Sometimes when we are silent, we will revisit the memories.
Just for us here, we will always have "us" here.
In this empty room, we made.

Exception.

It is comforting to know that possibly no one reads this anymore. Almost as comforting as it was when I knew people did read it. Gosh I am a mess of emotions right now and possibly I will be hesitant to leave this up for long but for now it's purpose is to let me confess and just let go of everything.

God knows i don't have anyone to confide in anymore. I guess I am being completely non-human by saying that I am tired of this concept that we are pretty much alone. I am so tired of people just fading in an out and just once and a while I would like some of them to stick around, maybe not in a physical sense but in any other would really do. I miss when people use to send letters, that was effort, that was caring, the gracefulness of the written word to ease someone's troubles. What troubles Cait? Your fine. Maybe that's it, perhaps I am fine and not fine. Content but not satisfied in being content. I am trying to be self sufficient and work without someone while everyone else works with someone. Everyone, I mean jesus when was the last time I relied on someone? Always I am the shoulder that someone wants to lean on and once just once I thought that perhaps I had found that shoulder, then it turns the other way, again. The day to day isn't the worst, I love what I am doing and the complete freedom is so much I am overflowing with freedom! I don't need to be someone's "one that got away" I don't need to be that i don't need some soap opera, I just would LIKE to have a glimpse of what I had before. In a friend, a family member, a long lost friend, anyone. The frustration of being emotional and wanting someone to just be able to tell all the wired thoughts and dreams and ideas and not have to tell someone something but not something else because they do not "like that" or "approve" is so over-bearing. Sigh. They say this is all growing up but I believe it is a constant battle everyone goes through everyday, no matter how young or old. I am also not emotionally enjoying that the one person I had found wont speak to me. Or that the people I have found to share find bits and pieces with will prob not be around by the time there is snow on the ground, not here but, in somewhere cold where people cuddle under blankets, near a fire. Canada, now that sounds lovely, eh? Maybe because it doesn't snow in this fire pit of a state I will luck out with this fate for the time being.

Emotions are beautiful and amazing ( as a pisces they say I am overflowing with emotions) but currently they are reeking havoc on my mind. Arn't there two fish in this sign? Where is my other fish...I hope not stuck in that mess of oil they call the ocean.

Off to conquer the week. Good luck ex readers.

Hospitals.

They have never really freaked me out. Did you know about 40% of the general population is terrified of them. (Did you know most facts on WIKI are made up)I think the worst part of this whole idea is the unexpected nature of it really. No one really EXPECTS to be in the hospital. What about births you ask? Well let's look at it this way...yes you have a due date and maybe your being induced and they tell you when to show up..but chances are it's not when you planned and when your cousin gets a call 1,500 miles away they really didn't expect it at all. Deaths, well they are the worst it is either hours, days, and weeks of family in and out, waiting. Making plans for the future, coming to terms with loss, and expressing that last moment together and creating the memory to revisit the person in spirit once they are gone from their physical being. Surgery is something never enjoyable, it's long, and uncertain, followed with a hint of pain. That pain not just for the person but those like me...waiting out here...something can always go wrong. Trying to stay positive is always good but being human, and being me, you can't help but think "what if". I often wonder about the workers here when I find myself in these freezing hallways and waiting rooms. I could never do this. I couldn't imagine watching the things that come in and out every day. I guess there is another obvious clue to my carrer path...artist managers are more common in rehabs or detox centers for their clients than a hospital. Ha. That I can deal with rehabs and detox ( drugs and their effects have always captured my attention) but hospitals...no thanks. Of course like most people I prefer to visit fr births...who doesn't like BABIES!

That would just be wrong. ;-)

Ten miles never felt so good.

Who runs anymore? I am starting to think that me and Austin are the only two that run. TEN MILES and who did we see, three other people..one had a small child with her so I guess we can say four. This is in a heavy populated town at about 7:30 which leaves one to wonder where everyone goes? Two years ago people running was a common thing you saw at 6 o'clock on the dot. Now a days everyone is in their homes watching America's Got Talent and CSI. Note that this is now the evening norm for the same people that are at the mall at 2 in the afternoon. Does no one in this town work anymore? Is this the town letting little "work from home" comapanies compete with the fortune 500's? I never ran before but now it's addicting. My dad (born a runner) has always told me the stories of his cross country, hurdleing, Jr. Olympics, ect. Myself, I could never seem to get the hang of it. I was always running to fast for long distances or complaining how hot it was at p.e. Now I think I finally have the swing of things.

Step one: Find shoes you ACTAULLY like to run in.
Step two: Find a sweet running partner who likes to talk about his job as a dancer on a cruise ship and his list of ex boyfriends who seem to never end. Who always likes to end the run by yelling "Look at us skinny bitches".
Step three: IPOD
Step four: A smile.

Who knew running would be almost as therapeutic as a best friend and some ice cream.

Stuffed.

My brain is stuffed full of everything I want to address, need to address, and frankly should most likely forget all together. I have wanted to write for days now and each time I pull anything open to do so it slips away. The only break I get from the headache is driving around at night blasting music and talking to myself.

I forgot to call Matt back...damn.

This town is pure poison for me at this moment. To many old temptations and memories.
NEED OUT...again...isn't this why I left in the first place?

I am more at peace then I thought.

So while driving from Ikea today I was having a conversation with someone who was freaking out about not only my driving but every other car on the road. This person has been in their fair share of accidents and never when they were driving. I just came to realize you really can't worry about every little thing such as driving. No, no one ever wants to get into an accident. No, no one ever plans for it. But it happens and when it does it's good to be prepared but that's why they are called ACCIDENTS! I mean I know people make wrong choices and impluse can sometimes screw with us but you made to the choice to get in the car in the first place. I mean driving a few ton moving object...life can't work out all the time.

So I came to realize just how at peace I am with little things like this in life. I enjoy listening to my music and jaming out or having a nice conversation with someone...even silence at times. To worry about everyone else and all the possibilities would be mind draining. I should apply this theory to more in my life then the normal day activites.

Today was perfect.

Words can not describe how everything fell into place. Everything was great and only got better. Then the CBS surprise was simply the icing on the cake was the sprinkles being Medieval Times (Red and Yellow Knight!!!!!!) I am so grateful for the people in my life and my wonderful family. (Who for the first time in a celebration event never argued once)

All the details are more than one can bare and I simply need to write this to be able to jog my memory if I happen to forget but this day... was perfect.

Thank you!

Natural me.

Sometimes I wonder what gives you the guts to do what you do. I doubt everything about us because how could this be real if you act this way. You give a little then run. I don't want to let go, I never wanted to let go, why does it have to happen this way. How can we be so different yet so alike and if so why do we end up in these circles that give you all the cards. How can you walk into my life wanting everything about my new life and just walk out as you please...I try not to let it, but it hurts so much.

It's unbearable sometimes the things that are so beautiful to us until they become destroyed, ruined by something most people call life or fate. What if the fate is not light that ignites the wild fire bringing everything to ashes that seem to coke the lungs of the two who die holding hands. What if this fate is ruled by mistakes..people..are always apologizing but never for any situation they knew they did until you lay it in front of them (in these situations anyway). Those two lovers seem to die in the moment that becomes infinite to each party in their separate lives. They play out the scene over and over and the two lovers just stare into the other's eyes where they see forever tunnel into heaven.

I am so tired of being the girl that when you fall for, that you say you can't have enough of, that inspires you, that makes you want to be better. I am so tired of them coming back and wanting happy me, smiling me , natural me.... maybe you have ruined natural me. Taking all my compassion and energy, all of my heart that I have to give. You leave and find yourself and when you run out of the life force that drives you then what...you can just come back and look for my help. Then when i need you.... your no where to be found. The tunnel that seems to go on forever that I see only when I sleep gets dimmer and the forces driving me fades.

Natural me is so hard to find somedays because of all that I have given to you.