I hate arguing

it drives me insane.

I hate misunderstandings and sometimes understanding is the hardest part.

I hate being in charge of everything and getting the blame when my hands are tied.

I hate banks.

I hate caring so much that it consumes me and I am always taking care of other people.

I hate texting in emotional situations.

I hate the entitlement feeling.

But I love the swell season.

...If I

am alive this time next year.

Please give me a high five. Not in the physical sense, no worry caitlin enjoys life way to much to kick it. Mentally and Creatively that might be a different story.

I have been drowning lately in the non-creative pool that people with desk jobs like to call "real life". My soul is aching to be amongst creative minds searching for more than what they already know and what they are content with. Team Fatkid and Annie Firmin have spoiled me.

Not to mention this poison which is running havoc on my mind and heart. I do not want to be where I was emotionally or mentally a few months ago, at least the one that no one really knew about, and I am so apprehensive that trying this whole shindig again will do just that. But what was the alternative is not seeming right either.

So tired of people complaining as well which is what I know I am doing right now but, I NEED SOME OUTLET. Everyone is always complaining and chasing money thats running away and oh godthisisthenewyorktrap ahhhhhhhhhh.

I've become highly too optimistic for this life, who's ready to move west. "Like most of my insides crawled out of my mouth and went west."


It's not fine.

new blog

http://memoriesfrommiles.blogspot.com/

Such a beautiful place...tp be with friends.

finally a moment....

Oh wow. What the Hell just happen in the last two weeks? I can hardly remember. Now I shall sit and wait at la guardian to go home..ooo...weird. I have reached that point in my life where I only go home from holidays. Awkward. Welp I moved to Brooklyn and have fallen in love with it and even tho I spent just two days there before going home I have an amazing feeling about it.

Studio project...that was a disaster and a half. I mean no it wasn't, my guys made more money in a short job then I make in two weeks at two jobs lol and everyone made great connections and really that's all I can ask. I know as stressful as it was everyone was a champ and really made something happen.*insert warm feelings of accomplishments here*

The only thing I had of enjoyment in the weeks of Hell as I like to call it was the Sufjan show. Which was just that, pure enjoyment. The show was unreal and very captivating leaving me with a feeling of bliss to revive my exhausted mind.14 musicians of serious talent with a great show....his I just want to go on tour with a great show...*in due time*the rest of the day was spent hanging with Lan who I can fully say now is not only one of the most wonderful friends for dealing with everything so well but also for helping me untap the parts of myself I tend to loose sometimes. Seriously one of the best days I have had in a long time and glad I have found someone at least for the time being who gets "it" even tho he may have no idea what exactly "it" is.

Now off to Florida to face the last round of this relationship thing. Completely unsure and I feel a little blinded by my feelings for others and my careers. Of course I want to be in love I am just emotionally invested in more than one person and am trying to let fate and god push me in a direction this time, rather, than taking my way and running.

God, what caitlin is throwing god into the mix again? What can I say, in light of recent events how can I not futhur reach into faith? Happy turkey day bloggers. God bless!

Emma Stone,evos, the city and cold toes.

Well it is official I was not prepared for winter! It was 47....what. I have discovered
that I do not enjoy my toes being cold and flats just won't cut it much longer. The city is beautiful when its cold though and I have always enjoyed the winter. Everyone at work is telling me 'the first winter is the worst'. Awesome lol

I knew I was born on the west coast for a reason. Lately though the north has been treating me well and most days i forget I am some thousand miles from what I consider home.

I am also blogging from my phone which I believe the blog inventors would frown upon but, really this avenue to just speak freely should really think about going mobile. I mean a 140 characters Twitter that's not a blot that's a drunken statement.

I am highly impressed by this phone though. One of favorite features is listening to music on the go. I fall in love with a Singapore over again in a new setting so really it has done wonders. When I was younger I wanted to design music videos and so ever since then when I am out and about listening to music I make up videos or concepts. Life is insanely beautiful with music. Something to calm the roar of the city sometimes.

Best music to listen to in the city - graffiti 6

Hope all has been well around the world for all of you. If your in the north buys breaking jacket!

Rush.

Everything I do, I think of someone else, do it for someone else, want to help someone else.

Everything I do, is for them, my family and friends, the people I love.

It's raining outside.

Well it has been, forever, since I have really blogged. I feel so hot and cold sometimes...well all the time. There is a part of me that is missing that starts to come with time and it's ok, its...

Sunshine.

Really enjoying the new job. It was crazy to be back at Sinigual, but I did miss it dearly. I LOVE WORKING again, something simple and enjoyable with lots of people, and money at the end of every night I can certainly handle. There are some many people from the Brandon area coming in it's insane, I guess un-like the old people we flock to the north in the winter. NY has really been treating me great.

At apartment 716 the Classical Music has been BLOWING through every crack in the walls. It is nice to experience other types of people and trust me a classical musician is a type of person unlike any other. I am learning a lot of the lingo and how important their instruments and craft is to them, it is their whole world. It truly helps me to better understand how to help them. As well they love listening to my thoughts and my musical taste as well as getting my insight on how to promote, approach and create themselves in the business sense. Matthew and I have formed a very strong brother/sister relationship and spend time talking to eachother a way from technology and the outside world as he smokes his cigarette and we both have our cups of tea. (Don't tell him this but it is one of the things I look forward to in my day). *side note: I can count the brother/sister relationships I have no longer on both my hands, they are all strangely for different instances tho, I feel as an only child this is necessary to keep sane.* Minkyu is ever changing and it's great to be learning what I can of the Korean language and their food as well!

Things with Janice and Mad Ave Boys have been a bit hectic but ever changing which I guess is just a part of my life now, ever changing and hectic never the same.

STILL NEED TO BLOG ABOUT ANOTHY RAPP PERFORMANCE....oye.

Ok well...ugh i want to I just am still so amazed and he IS Anthony Rapp so I feel he at least needs his own title.

The fall/winter is also upon us here in New York City and I can't wait! Minus the fact it is a bit rainy.... ok well it rains a bit every day even though in NY it doesn't really rain but rather mist (which always reminds me of the misters at theme parks like Disney and Universal) but it is a bit gloomy not a whole lot of sun but I LOVE IT ...the look right before it should rain and the winter wind blowing all the time...it's great really...highly recommend it.

:-)

Break out those jackets people!

welp.

Today was the day. Reality. Freedom. Accomplishment. Realization.

What a lovely day.

Nice to have a job again.

The Anthony Rapp show was absolutely and hands down one of the most emotional and amazing pieces I have ever seen preformed in my life. I really want to do reviews but I keep having 24 other things to do! Hope the night is finding you all well.

There is something I do really like about the city.

The subway. The homeless. The wreckless. The fearless, and the evening.

Today we went to Lauren and David's engagement party. David's fathers, father used to own the company that owns ALL of the pluming in NYC.


What.


So since they sold it off and like Lauren says "the FORTUNE still exist". They live in this BEAUTIFUL apartment in Washington Heights, not your typical NYC place it's HUGE! Right on the Hudson and next to the bridge that crosses to Jersey. We stood out on the walk way and saw the bridge light up, epic to say the least. Their apartment (worth somewhere in the 500,000+ range) it completely paid for, covered with one of a kind art and little trinkets they have collected over the last two and half years. They have a bedroom with a brick wall and a mini recording studio in what would be their second bedroom. Their living room is lined with novels and poets, music scores, records, and six of David's 9 Gibson guitars. In his mini studio he has a whole set up complete with amps, headphones, a banjo, keyboard and even sound proof. They met threw networking and she played cello on his album (which she and him are both incredibly talented)...jealous yet? She travels the world playing cello and her fiance is a psychologist minor/plasma chemist.

They are both fun, down to earth and simply some of the best people I think I had ever met.

I am posting this note...because I can't send it to you.

Listen I know were not talking...maybe never right...anyways not the point, I just wanted to share with someone who knows the people I am speaking of...

Helping this band out and I end up chillin and drinking with Dj Infamous, Dj Develop and the guitarist from Gym Class Hero's...

WTF

Miss yew.

So fb is making me think of the past.

It is putting your picture in the corner, every picture of you, over and over. Were not speaking so imagine how this is...awakard.
Still getting warm chills when I think about you. I just wish we talked more. Friends, lovers or nothing. Guess we know which one you choose.

-.-

50th post.

Just ran into the fact this will be my 50th post! What a post it will be!

Lacey came into the city today, apparently everyone who wants to be someone in theater is auditioning this week in NY. Yippie! So we met up and attempted to get Lottery tickets to broadway (For those of you unfamiliar it's the best way, really, you write your name, they pull names out, you get your name called YOU WIN, you don't go try another show. So we didn't get our names called and hopped over to Rock of Ages, whereee... we did. :-)

Walking around waiting to get in line we happen to pass by Ray-J, Brandy and Ormarion (SP?). Lacey almost knocks into Brandy into the street and I thought the body guard was going to swoop her up and deck her but she didn't even notice. (Lacey that is)

Rock of Ages is a cheeeeeeeeeeseeeey love story about making it in the rock scene on the sunset strip in the 1980's. Basically...it's a show with songs from Foreigner, White Snake, Poison, Journey, ect. Lacey's old friend from college happened to be in it so it worked out. Fun show with lots of singing in the crowd and they gave out these fake plastic lighters that were baby flashlights so you could wave them around at the slow songs. Catchy marketing eh?!

Then we met Nick Rachel ( the most adorable and sweet/hysterical gay guy Lacey went to school with) and people from Hersey and ate at Blockhead's. YUM! All in all it was really a great day.

THIS is how I want to live NY, don't we all?

Oh and too bad it's not about you but rather about him.

Recently I spoke to someone about my future, my present and my past in great depth.

This city is giving me everything I wanted, yet I want to share it with you.
Obvious I know.
To bad you'll never know it.
As the cold approaches and people begin bundling up I see you in that coat I hated.
Torn and beat down, I wanted to burn it.
Oh and too bad we are both searching for something else.
Because I just cant seem to pick up the pencil and erase you.
Oh and too bad we will both never admit it.
To stuck in trying to find our own twisted versions of perfect.

You still cross my mind from time to time.....

and by that I mean, always.

I never asked about you.

A blanket.

So ever since I can remember I have had this OCD tick I guess. I guess you could call it that. I do.

Sometimes, little things just bug me, in my head I think about how they use to be and for a millisecond it's almost sad, I guess the best I could describe it to would be wanting to make things the way they use to be.

I was sitting on the balcony at Matt's apartment and wrapped up in my red blanket I have had for about a year now. As I sat and looked down at the red material some-what matted and worn, no longer as vibrant and silky, I thought of why I had it in the first place. It was last winter when FL got SUPER cold for ... a week or so. Eric and I were still living together and we were both major blanket hogs so I got it to put on top of the comforter in case one of us (mostly me) took it all. I ended up sleeping in that every night because it was so comfy. I use to wrap myself up in it, then his arms around me. (ah the memories of a good relationship) So now almost a year later the blanket is no longer as bright but, it is still as warm as ever, warmer than any blanket I have ever had. There was even a piece of cat hair on it from Cali's countless nights sleeping with me in the last few months of Orlando. So when I looked at it, I was a bit annoyed, or sadden, either way it's slightly ridiculous when I think about it. I miss the way it use to be and what it ment I guess, not in the way I am sure you are reading into this but simply the memory of the new blanket. Cuddling in it every night with or without someone, it truly was a great buy. Yet annoyed that it can not stay the same, I have learned to welcome change with open arms, however, I don't think I will ever be to fond of it.

This theory has just always come up in my life with different items or people. Hmm.

*grabs blanket and covers self laying down*

Sweet Dreams.

First day.

So today was the BIG move to the BIG city. New York. Got my own room in Mid-town Manhattan with a friend and great connects all over the city. Is it wrong that I am loving every min. of it. NO! I use to dream about this and now it's real. I couldn't be happier, minus one thing... really I will end up writing a blog longer in detail...I really miss my friends (normal I know). It will make reuniting so much sweeter. I have always had close friends but this is the first time I have been connected, not connected, comfortable, uncomfortable yet still belonging in the mix of it all, alive, passionate, and believe so strong in friendships I have no intention on losing. It's been a while and I am so glad to feel that way and know these great people, even if they are hundreds of miles away.

Internship starts tomorrow, thinking about starting a blog for it, or something NY related? Thoughts?

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares." -Henri Nouwen

:-)

I should be sleeping but, that has been such a dull time lately.

I am currently addicted to Netflix: movies with a strong female lead.

I believe this speaks volumes to my bursting personality right now. I am so alive with curiosity and passion. How lovely, I think anyway.

The view from my room when all the lights are off is beautiful and I stare out of it for hours on end thinking, singing to myself, and attempting to yet again learn the guitar. That sounds extremely unproductive, self-taught guitar lessons by the moonlight. It's going splendidly.

I like to wonder what people are doing in this town right now. Most of them sleeping. Some of them dreaming. Few of them watching the moon just like me.

Goodnight well rather Good Morning 3:30 am moon watchers.

Chris Angel blows my mind.

Ok, so as a kid a thing me and my dad did was watch magic shows. It could be at the downtown Disney store with slight of hand, or at a show, even on TV. Remember when TV was watchable and they played magic shows on TGIF Friday and what not? So Lance Burton (check), David Copperfeild (check), David Blane (check, also let's throw in a laugh), The masked magician (check, you remember where they showed you how they did tricks). So needless to say as far as magic goes I enjoy it.

Criss Angel - Most likely the weirdest and most bashed on magician. Think what you want but lets at least agree this guy is CRAZY! But alas a great performer and well...mind freak. He even convinced his girlfriend to marry him and then hide it for four years for his own image. This guy has done pretty much everything, broken world records, set up tricks that seem impossible, knows his magic history and even put his name in the Guinness Book of World Records for 2010. Along with these feats the man has his own TV show and a show in Las Vegas. Now granted magic on TV can always be changed up, edited, put in with actors, who really knows what's real anymore on TV.

The disappearing trick is typically done with slight of hand such as a coin or card up a sleeve. Or in a larger setting with mirrors.

Criss Angel's most recent feat on the disappearing audience "100 gone" in which he had 100 people disappear on a platform that were chained together, surrounded by a group of people at the bottom of the platform chained together, in a room full of people. He proofs are in which he had a POV camera in the curtain with him and a "spectator" with a SPOV camera. Now listen, yes it was TV, yes I know. HOWEVER, the curtain goes up and then BAM curtain down and it's just Criss BY HIMSELF! Now regardless of anything I thought at the time my jaw hit the floor.

Here are some of the obvious or at least what we can assume.

-IT'S TV! The editing possibilities are endless.
-Everyone likes to be apart of something and let's face it most of this world thinks they are "the next big thing in show biz" so finding an audience paid or not, NOT HARD.
-Mirror trick still possible (except for him running around the stage because if the mirror trick was being used he would have run into someone.
-Not sure if he brought anyone on stage after but that could reinforce.
-IT'S TV! The editing possibilities are endless.

Regardless.

IT WAS SWEET! Really some part of me likes to believe in this magic and think that these people are random and some of this is just real, I mean why not, people believe in the tooth fairy!

Last point.

You never see the people come back, and no one mentions the people that don't come back. No one cares, and frankly he doesn't mention it. Both a bit sketchy and makes you wonder, what happen to those people? But regardless no one cared to know.

Watch Criss Angel it's a good time at 2 am.

ouch.

Have you ever felt your heart rip in half.
You lie awake all night staring at the ceiling.
Re-playing life over and over.
Visual memories always hurt the best.
Just as you think you will never sleep.
Silence. Deep Silence.
As the sun streams and your eyes flutter.
You wonder.
The ache in your chest reminds you.
Still you wake up and smile, push forward.

There will always be that empty part.
Without this.
Sometimes when we are silent, we will revisit the memories.
Just for us here, we will always have "us" here.
In this empty room, we made.

Exception.

It is comforting to know that possibly no one reads this anymore. Almost as comforting as it was when I knew people did read it. Gosh I am a mess of emotions right now and possibly I will be hesitant to leave this up for long but for now it's purpose is to let me confess and just let go of everything.

God knows i don't have anyone to confide in anymore. I guess I am being completely non-human by saying that I am tired of this concept that we are pretty much alone. I am so tired of people just fading in an out and just once and a while I would like some of them to stick around, maybe not in a physical sense but in any other would really do. I miss when people use to send letters, that was effort, that was caring, the gracefulness of the written word to ease someone's troubles. What troubles Cait? Your fine. Maybe that's it, perhaps I am fine and not fine. Content but not satisfied in being content. I am trying to be self sufficient and work without someone while everyone else works with someone. Everyone, I mean jesus when was the last time I relied on someone? Always I am the shoulder that someone wants to lean on and once just once I thought that perhaps I had found that shoulder, then it turns the other way, again. The day to day isn't the worst, I love what I am doing and the complete freedom is so much I am overflowing with freedom! I don't need to be someone's "one that got away" I don't need to be that i don't need some soap opera, I just would LIKE to have a glimpse of what I had before. In a friend, a family member, a long lost friend, anyone. The frustration of being emotional and wanting someone to just be able to tell all the wired thoughts and dreams and ideas and not have to tell someone something but not something else because they do not "like that" or "approve" is so over-bearing. Sigh. They say this is all growing up but I believe it is a constant battle everyone goes through everyday, no matter how young or old. I am also not emotionally enjoying that the one person I had found wont speak to me. Or that the people I have found to share find bits and pieces with will prob not be around by the time there is snow on the ground, not here but, in somewhere cold where people cuddle under blankets, near a fire. Canada, now that sounds lovely, eh? Maybe because it doesn't snow in this fire pit of a state I will luck out with this fate for the time being.

Emotions are beautiful and amazing ( as a pisces they say I am overflowing with emotions) but currently they are reeking havoc on my mind. Arn't there two fish in this sign? Where is my other fish...I hope not stuck in that mess of oil they call the ocean.

Off to conquer the week. Good luck ex readers.

Hospitals.

They have never really freaked me out. Did you know about 40% of the general population is terrified of them. (Did you know most facts on WIKI are made up)I think the worst part of this whole idea is the unexpected nature of it really. No one really EXPECTS to be in the hospital. What about births you ask? Well let's look at it this way...yes you have a due date and maybe your being induced and they tell you when to show up..but chances are it's not when you planned and when your cousin gets a call 1,500 miles away they really didn't expect it at all. Deaths, well they are the worst it is either hours, days, and weeks of family in and out, waiting. Making plans for the future, coming to terms with loss, and expressing that last moment together and creating the memory to revisit the person in spirit once they are gone from their physical being. Surgery is something never enjoyable, it's long, and uncertain, followed with a hint of pain. That pain not just for the person but those like me...waiting out here...something can always go wrong. Trying to stay positive is always good but being human, and being me, you can't help but think "what if". I often wonder about the workers here when I find myself in these freezing hallways and waiting rooms. I could never do this. I couldn't imagine watching the things that come in and out every day. I guess there is another obvious clue to my carrer path...artist managers are more common in rehabs or detox centers for their clients than a hospital. Ha. That I can deal with rehabs and detox ( drugs and their effects have always captured my attention) but hospitals...no thanks. Of course like most people I prefer to visit fr births...who doesn't like BABIES!

That would just be wrong. ;-)

Ten miles never felt so good.

Who runs anymore? I am starting to think that me and Austin are the only two that run. TEN MILES and who did we see, three other people..one had a small child with her so I guess we can say four. This is in a heavy populated town at about 7:30 which leaves one to wonder where everyone goes? Two years ago people running was a common thing you saw at 6 o'clock on the dot. Now a days everyone is in their homes watching America's Got Talent and CSI. Note that this is now the evening norm for the same people that are at the mall at 2 in the afternoon. Does no one in this town work anymore? Is this the town letting little "work from home" comapanies compete with the fortune 500's? I never ran before but now it's addicting. My dad (born a runner) has always told me the stories of his cross country, hurdleing, Jr. Olympics, ect. Myself, I could never seem to get the hang of it. I was always running to fast for long distances or complaining how hot it was at p.e. Now I think I finally have the swing of things.

Step one: Find shoes you ACTAULLY like to run in.
Step two: Find a sweet running partner who likes to talk about his job as a dancer on a cruise ship and his list of ex boyfriends who seem to never end. Who always likes to end the run by yelling "Look at us skinny bitches".
Step three: IPOD
Step four: A smile.

Who knew running would be almost as therapeutic as a best friend and some ice cream.

Stuffed.

My brain is stuffed full of everything I want to address, need to address, and frankly should most likely forget all together. I have wanted to write for days now and each time I pull anything open to do so it slips away. The only break I get from the headache is driving around at night blasting music and talking to myself.

I forgot to call Matt back...damn.

This town is pure poison for me at this moment. To many old temptations and memories.
NEED OUT...again...isn't this why I left in the first place?

I am more at peace then I thought.

So while driving from Ikea today I was having a conversation with someone who was freaking out about not only my driving but every other car on the road. This person has been in their fair share of accidents and never when they were driving. I just came to realize you really can't worry about every little thing such as driving. No, no one ever wants to get into an accident. No, no one ever plans for it. But it happens and when it does it's good to be prepared but that's why they are called ACCIDENTS! I mean I know people make wrong choices and impluse can sometimes screw with us but you made to the choice to get in the car in the first place. I mean driving a few ton moving object...life can't work out all the time.

So I came to realize just how at peace I am with little things like this in life. I enjoy listening to my music and jaming out or having a nice conversation with someone...even silence at times. To worry about everyone else and all the possibilities would be mind draining. I should apply this theory to more in my life then the normal day activites.

Today was perfect.

Words can not describe how everything fell into place. Everything was great and only got better. Then the CBS surprise was simply the icing on the cake was the sprinkles being Medieval Times (Red and Yellow Knight!!!!!!) I am so grateful for the people in my life and my wonderful family. (Who for the first time in a celebration event never argued once)

All the details are more than one can bare and I simply need to write this to be able to jog my memory if I happen to forget but this day... was perfect.

Thank you!

Natural me.

Sometimes I wonder what gives you the guts to do what you do. I doubt everything about us because how could this be real if you act this way. You give a little then run. I don't want to let go, I never wanted to let go, why does it have to happen this way. How can we be so different yet so alike and if so why do we end up in these circles that give you all the cards. How can you walk into my life wanting everything about my new life and just walk out as you please...I try not to let it, but it hurts so much.

It's unbearable sometimes the things that are so beautiful to us until they become destroyed, ruined by something most people call life or fate. What if the fate is not light that ignites the wild fire bringing everything to ashes that seem to coke the lungs of the two who die holding hands. What if this fate is ruled by mistakes..people..are always apologizing but never for any situation they knew they did until you lay it in front of them (in these situations anyway). Those two lovers seem to die in the moment that becomes infinite to each party in their separate lives. They play out the scene over and over and the two lovers just stare into the other's eyes where they see forever tunnel into heaven.

I am so tired of being the girl that when you fall for, that you say you can't have enough of, that inspires you, that makes you want to be better. I am so tired of them coming back and wanting happy me, smiling me , natural me.... maybe you have ruined natural me. Taking all my compassion and energy, all of my heart that I have to give. You leave and find yourself and when you run out of the life force that drives you then what...you can just come back and look for my help. Then when i need you.... your no where to be found. The tunnel that seems to go on forever that I see only when I sleep gets dimmer and the forces driving me fades.

Natural me is so hard to find somedays because of all that I have given to you.

Upstairs they are constantly remodeling.

For the last week it has been a mess of paperwork, keynotes, references, rehearsals, group meetings, and friends.
I have come to find that I really wouldn't have it any other way.

My upstair neighbors are moving furniture again I believe. At first it sounded like they were running around the apartment, then it sounded like they were having certain relations all about the apartment, now it sounds like one of them is a VERY heavy walker who is majoring in interior design moving about heavy objects at all hours and possibly has a peg leg as well. Of course this reminded me of a certain movie that freaked me out (LTS you know what I am referring too!) but, alas when I met them today they were supper nice. How am I suppose to say, "What the heck do you people do at midnight that causes my whole apartment to fill with noise?....STOP THAT!" No, that's just rude. Well two more days right, I mean I am sure they don't realize..maybe this is their first time living in an upstairs apartment. The first level people never know how much noise they really make till someone lives above them, or bitches at them for their commotion.

My life has taken a turn for the better in that I am truly just happy. It's been way too long and when people around me are not shinning to their fullest I am tending to almost explode with the excitement I am tying to bring them. I have realized I truly enjoy caring for people and making people happy, yes it can be draining but I live off of smiles I guess you could say. Like a musician or artist inspires through their art I like to drive and inspire others to continue forth for the better though simply acts like listening and giving nice gestures. Nice little gestures mean the world to me. It has never been about gifts or big to-do's but more so remembering something from a conversation, or someone's name, listening close enough to interact with someone on a level no one else in the room even bothered to search for.

For the past few weeks when I sit to clear my mind and silence fills my mind I heard nothing other than the pounding of my heart trying to fight my mind in decision making. However, over the past two days the silence is filled with peace.
Peace is defined by dictionary.com as a state of mutual harmony between people or groups, esp. in personal relations. That's how I feel in my mind at PEACE with everything I am doing and saying. I feel alive again and connected to and with more than I have been in a while. I feel unstoppable and when the silence kicks in I can hear music playing in my mind (not in a crazy white jacket way) but a beautiful melody of pure bliss. I am at peace with my self and as this chapter closes I could not ask for anything more.

I'm in repair,
I am not together but, I am getting there.


:-)

Wishing you peace, at least with your mind.
Cait

I keep blogging in my head.

Now I have progressed to blogging by myself out loud.

Sorry to disappoint.

The world was beautiful this morning.

Yesterday I get a wedding invitation, some picture mail of my friend getting engaged back home, my other friend being surprised by the one she is in love with, my father buying my mother the most the most wonderful present (he never gets one so this must be a year) I have ever seen for her birthday, and this morning there is a male cat trying to climb the tree to Cali as she sits in the window.

UGH!

As beautiful as the morning was it would have been lovely sharing it with someone else. Seeing the sun rise above the clouds, listening to music as the summer breeze swayed us into the day, the world was incredible this morning. I am so blessed to be sharing in my friends wonderful journeys of life...however,


I miss you kicking me in your sleep as we lay next to each other, when the morning sun peeked through my window.

Blank.

"Then one days its over changed my number to cut my line. Good love is on the way."

I have no clue where I want to go in the next few weeks.
I have no clue how I feel about my feelings with the whole situation
I am blanking to much and missing the living part.

But I am still smiling..

because you know what..good love is on the way.

In any form I will take it. Friendship, happiness, a job, laughter, money, photography, hell even BAKING!

Good love is on the way.
Good love is on the way.
Good love
Good love
Good is on the way.

If you give a mouse a cookie...

he is going to want a glass of milk.

Yea, that sounds about right. Only problem is there are not enough cookies in my hand to give out to those asking for one. The even bigger problem would be that milk is 3.49 a gallon and who has money for that much milk?

Artist blog on the one and only Johnny Mayer soon...I just can't stop reading the blogs long enough to write my own.
Absolute John Mayer kick right now that is feeding my soul.

I really don't think this could have been said SIMPLER to me in this moment of my life. Thanks John.
http://www.johnmayer.com/blog/permalink/5522

Cait

Pondering...

The time change is throwing me off but in adverse effect so ....I am still awake.

Sitting in the hotel while everyone is sleeping and listening to Sufjan, he really has made this trip something new for me. I am so utterly confused. Nashville, New York, Cali, New York, Cali, Nashville. This trip was suppose to help was it not? I go to New york and instantly am turned off, I was so in love with the hustle and bustle of the city but now it just drains me. I get a sense of urgency and want to get things done but at the same time between my calmer attitude verses two years ago and for the fact it is hands down the most expensive of the three I will pass for now. It will be slightly difficult to do Matt's project from here but, well I will figure that out. Got to Nashville and was a bit hesitant on the fact it seemed to spaced out and small town ... the longer I spent here tho I really began to enjoy it. Music Row alone gives me chills with what seems to be a few hundred companies, but jobs are jobs and they are all full right now. Then today in the mist of job hunting I get offered a student internship at Sony, however, the rep for Sony student internships is being used, abused and then left with no sense of even being able to move on...oh yea and its expensive ...very... oh and I have no one to live with... this trip really has done nothing but confuse me. I feel like I have found somewhere that I can be happy and then something else comes along... what next LONDON? (yes prease!)

I need a bottle of wine and a good listener to help me figure this out...

I started a side project on this road trip "The need to belong; ... I haven't come up with the rest of it. I began taking pictures in New York of those belonging and the lengths they go to belong, I am attempting to see those in my pictures who are attempting but failing, attempting but hating it and attempting successfully to their surroundings.

Something along those lines....

I think this is speaking volumes of what I am feeling right now, I hope they help me find the answers.

A few moments to myself.

As I sit in the New York studio apartment I am at a loss almost. TODAY WAS CRAZY! Finally got that camera charger I have been dying for to only find out the last pictures I took were in DECEMBER...oh gesh!

Today began again hunting for a place to park after getting into the city at midnight then drinking with the boys. Spent the afternoon running around attempting to navigate the subway, worked on Matt's production, met the photographer www.zachgross.com and the designer. This budget is getting more and more crazy and now I have to find an engineer....oh wait, half of everyone I know is an engineer lol. Matt and I ate after that at a little cuban restaurant where I ate Ox tale, a bit on the salty side but delish! Then the LONG LONG LONG trek into the heart of Central Park where I DID NOT have my camera but I will tomorrow!

Pictures soon?

Happy 4th!

The end begins.

First day of final project was Tuesday....What?! Final project, the end, the conclusion, tada!

Friday begins what was going to be an epic road trip and now will continue ALONE but I promise will be epic none the less.

I think this will be a great thing for me I mean 17 hours by myself WHO WOULD ENJOY THAT? I really think, the more I think about it the more I will enjoy it. There are so many questions about myself I want answered and always distract myself from finding them out. On the road I think out of pure boredom alone I will ask myself these questions and be ecstatic about the outcome. So here's the plan.

Friday -LEAVE -


Bust my ass looking for Jobs in New York with an artist pitch on the 7th and helping Matt with Rite Of Spring 2011. Then on the night of the 7th driving to location number 2!



Then to work Nashville to find a job in case New York is a temporary bust. Have a phone interview on the way to NYC on the 2nd for a company in LA.

WHERE AM I GOING TO END UP?

Who really knows...I think thats the exciting part. Where do you think I should go readers?
Keep a look out for the MANY pictures and videos that will take place out of boredum on the way there and of course to enjoy the beauty of this country!

Best,
Cait

Well I guess insomnia is back.

I meant to go to bed an two hours ago..I really did. Instead I have been doing productive things and not so productive things like editing fun photo's.



My editing color template has been a bit dark lately since I have been sitting here in the dark corner of my room for a few hours.(oh that was a bit emo, sorry) Even Cali is sleeping next to me and I am wide awake...which is not good when you have to get up at 9ish am. I guess falling asleep by 3 will do the trick. What are you doing tonight world? I went into this blog with everything and nothing to say. I mean you don't want to hear me rant about nonsense that only concerns me...your thinking "What about me? Huh Caitlin! Every time I read this damn thing your just talking about things you like and care about! What about me?" Well...honestly its my blog damnit. I was wishing today more people blogged...you really do tell all sometimes and while its therapeutic for you it lets people in by accident.

So world here's your peak.
Enjoy it while it last.

Today I was thinking about taking a month off to go to Africa. Right? I have always wanted to go so I did some research and it's still just as possible as two years ago... except...(drum roll) I have a degree now so they like to make it cheaper for me! Call it the governments way of saying thanks for blowing 100,000+ bucks on education, now get out and volunteer. So if I would like to build houses in South Africa or work at a local Red Cross I have to get a passport renewed, buy the proper clothes, recert in CPR and first aid, and get thirteen shots (6 of which are shot in your stomach). Suddenly a care package and a picture or .15 a week seems much more feasible on my stomach. The price we will pay to help....some people anyway. But the price some wish to not pay to help their own lives.

Africa anyone?

Summer Cleaning

Found these the other day whilst cleaning...enjoy.

"Child"



Child
breaths onto the baren walls
chilling and dusty
broken guitar
sings sweetly in the hush of the crowd
you feel abandon
alone
tap a familiar shoulder
grab a willing hand
walk the chilling hall
together
brave the closet monsters
with no fear and to much compasion

"squeezing hands"

The only drug I could provide
Hands twisted
A gesture to keep you on a certain high
Fingers entwined

Talent surround me...

I prefer it that way. Ever since I have been enthralled with music it seems to find me in such beautiful ways. I find those who find peace in their passion unbelievably enticing, and I find a connection with them easily. Two weeks from now I will be in New York and on the 7th I will be pitching a few artist in attempts to impress a very "hefty" amount of people to obtain a job(none of these artist mind you). While setting up templates and finishing paperwork with the last few artist I began listening to my favorite playlist (which I was fortunate enough to be able to transfer to the laptop Annie let me borrow via flash drive) entitled "Talented people I care for". This rightly named for the music my friends have given me and created...

So...in the words of Julie Andrews

"Lets start at the very beginning a very good place to start...."

Lacey Angerosa

Lacey is a firely spirit who dreams big and has an even bigger voice! At the young age of 22 she has already premiered in numerous casts performances at The University Of Central Florida Conservatory Theater. From Pirates, Smokey Joe's Cafe, to RENT, staring in a few short films and now being in a premiering cast of Rock The JukeBox Lacey is taking her dreams of performing to the next level. I couldn't be happier for her as an ex roommate and currently best friend, Lacey, captivates audiences with her wide vocal range and infamous hair flips. check her out at http://www.laceyangerosa.com




Annie Firmin

Annie is a New Orleans native and a free spirit at heart. For the last two years I have been fortune enough to spend with Annie I have gotten to see the real passion of a true artist at work. When Annie takes the stage (so to speak) her vocals are compared to those of a soul foul black women mixed with the blues style of the deep south. Watching others watch Annie sing for the very first time or the hundredth time it gives me goosebumps... smiles cross every face when she shows her true passion for music through her incredible vocals. Listen to a few originals and covers on her myspace now! http://www.myspace.com/anniefirmin1



Ian Flanigan

When I first met Ian there were three things I found out very quickly... one, he looked 24 but was 19, two, he was a self taught AMAZING guitarist, and three, his voice was unlike any raw unsigned talent I had heard in quite some time. Words can not exactly describe Ian's range of talent and the endless possibilities that his music holds for his future. Ian's new album http://www.myspace.com/ianflanigan.


Casey Mcguire

Casey is the living image of the word "Business". You can always find casey creating and working on new projects around the Orlando area. Over the past three months through his own company Casey has released three albums of different artist from the New York area. This month Casey released his own album under the name Free Trade. A motown vibe over contemporary R&B gives the feel for the new album. All music can be downloaded for free at http://www.trustatement.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=305:trustatementcom-plus-30-june-15th-free-trade&catid=49





Aaron D. Bucy

Aaron is a christian contemporary guitarist from North Carolina. I met Aaron in the Music Business program and he took the whole class by pleasant surprise when he played a personal song in month 4.He says “music isn’t just a hobby, it’s something that I feel called to do, and I’m in constant pursuit of whatever it will take to fulfill that calling.” Aaron performs mostly in church's and for his darling fiance but is always a pleasant surprise when you happen to stumble upon his few uploaded songs. http://www.myspace.com/aaronbucymusic





and because I know he like Aaron reads this (and because he is actually talented) my favorite cover man band (drum roll)

Landon Tucker Swindoll

Landon is a music lover if there ever was any. I have never seen someone get so excited to be listening to a song in my life...Landon truly involves himself in any project he is apart of and enjoys melodies and lyrics to the fullest extent. Check out his covers and a few originals "The Album Demos" and "Stop & Reset" where you can even purchase them!!! http://landontucker.bandcamp.com/album/stop-reset




Feel free to enjoy all these lovely people and their incredible talents!

Enjoy with your ears,
Cait

Chelsea.

No one says it better than her. I can always rely on my best friend and sister to tell me how it is and what is most likely in the back of my mind to begin with. We were inseparable for three years and when she went off to college it was a bit tough not being able to share our lives but now even though weeks go by before we speak each time its so easy to talk to her and she just understands everything, I imagine if I had a sister that is what it would be like. Yesterday I simply spill my guts out to her and she tells me exactly what I needed to hear, "It's just holding you back if you regress, there is no time like the present so live it up. I feel this is how you are truly happy so why backtrack?" Win. She is right to ya know. I just want to keep moving forward and this whole shenanigan would just be moving backward and I can't see myself doing that.




On another note I just began looking for flights to LA and NY for summer break. Three interviews in LA (trying to make two of those phone interviews due to funding) and one MAJOR opportunity in NY. Keep your fingers crossed dears!

Moving Forward,
Cait

On a hot day like this....

I wonder how people in 800 B.C survived! I mean I know the layer clothing actually keeps the body cool when taking the sweat and basically using it as an air conditioner but did Jesus ever walk outside and just say "Never mind everyone, let's go trek and spread the word of God tomorrow because it is way to hot today!"
Or what about the Romans when fighting in battle with pounds of heavy armor? "No battle's today thank you, Rome wasn't built in a day, so today can wait!"
Settlers in the first wars of the early Americas? "I claim this land for the Queen and King of England but it is to hot to load the ships today so they will just have to wait for their cash crops!"
What about in the days of Harriet Tubman? Leading slaves to freedom through swamps and underground tunnels of dirt and swamp water, sleeping in cellars during the day while the sun beat down on the barren land?! "I will save these people tomorrow the heat is just unbearable!"

On hot days like these where we in our day and age barely want to put on long pants or dread spending time just walking from the car (which is air-conditioned for most of us) to the safe haven of the air-conditioned building only a couple of feet away....

I wonder how many great leaders and just people in general either stopped what they were doing or put something with the potential to change the human race on hold just because it was a bit to hot outside.

Food for thought.

Your a weird kind of friend..

but I really enjoy it.

It's been some time since I have had a friend like this before and its kind of strange. A friend who gets me, who I spend time with doing simple things and who I feel comfortable saying pretty much anything I feel like. Can I just say YOU FREAKING ROCK! It's nice to not feel like someone has any expectations of you other than to be yourself. It's extremely refreshing and I do believe as few and far in between as people like you are, it's a very nice surprise none the less.

*This is the point where the cat is outta the bag*

So to continue, this blog all spun from a conversation I was having with my mother. We were watching "The Holiday" that my father had put on because he likes Jack Black (I think it gives him the feeling of being "cool" or "hip") and he tries to cut down on the slasher and sysfy shows when we are all watching something together. My mother says to me, "so who are you going to Universal with?" I list off the regulars and she asks me where everyone is from... as soon as I mention California she's all over it. We begin talking about the great state in general and before I know it... this turns into the facts I know about you conversation. My mom says "Well.... if I didn't know him before I certainly know him now, he seems very nice and a good friend." Then I was thinking and I was like well.... yea... yea he is a great friend. I mean who else watches 30+ episodes of Who's Line Is It Anyway? Us. I am pretty sure that those who would watch that from the outside would be jealous. So the first part of my blog is in homage to you my friend for being... yourself! (A little boost never hurts anyone's ego right?)

So onto the rest of life....

I have this new out look on things in this town Brandon, Fl. When I first moved here at the young age of 9 I loved it. But, let's be honest when you are 9 and have a brand new house, with a new school and new friends and you have just gotten out of the ghetto of St. Petersburg what is not to be happy about? As the years went on I made a name for myself and somehow gained a lot of respect by people... middle school and high school came and went. Then moving to Orlando distance between everyone grew and you lose touch (it happens). So the first year coming back to visit went a lot like this...

-Come home, eat for free with parents, spend time with them, get ready, go out, (insert illegal activities here), come home at 3am.
-Repeat.

It was great don't get me wrong. It was a sense of belonging to a group of people that came back with stories and new aspects of life to share. That got old quick... now everyone who comes back here on break either hates it or out of pure boredom spends it completely effed up. So this next year coming home has been farther in-between and no one really talks or gets together much except for the holidays. This is how visit's typically go now...

-Come home, eat with parents for free, spend time with family, spend time with family, run into random old friends from the 9th grade, hang out for a bit, make plans to see eachother in the next five years.
-Repeat.

This town is duller than I remember. I always told my parents I wanted to grow up by the beach but, no we got Tampa. I'm sure they regret still being here as much as I would, thank god I got out before I ended up like some people I know. The one bright side to this town is Downtown Tampa tho...it truly is beautiful to me and I have spent many great nights just sitting out by the bay with friends and bottles of wine ( much like tonight) and shouting songs at the top of our lungs, that's something I wouldn't trade for the world. Nostalgia for the win, right?



Ran across from pictures from State while cleaning out my old laptop for my mother.

Enjoy!

Then the silence comes in....

Very long day,

Very thought provoking day.

I have a headache the size of this country, I believe.

I am sure of nothing other than I need a massage and a bottle of rum... today has just been another flop.

Thanks to you.

Puh.

Song is stuck in my head

I love this picture, it's my kind of cute humor.












She said, "I don't care, you don't even know me."
I said, "I know but I'd like to change that soon, hopefully."
Yeah, we all flirt with the tiniest notion
Of self conclusion in one simplified motion
You see the trick is that you're never supposed to act on it
No matter how unbearable this misery gets

Spill Canvas is making a comeback in my stereo.

I am so nervous I could vomit. Pleasant image for your smiling faces eh? I mean its been almost three months since everything and almost 2 since I have even seen him. Gosh, two months....I spent almost two years seeing someone EVERYDAY and then it just stopped. I guess I have never really addressed it but anyone who really knew me and knew...us...knows it broke my heart. Now, well now I AM FINE...I thought it would take much longer than this but, really I guess we all saw it coming yea? Yea.
I wanted to salvage a friendship and it was something extremely important to me because, after all he was my best friend. Against what I wanted it didn't happen...then randomly (like this always happens) he wants to meet up and hang out, try this "friend" thing. My first thought was a straight no, I had been so hurt and spent so many nights just driving and crying myself to sleep. I lost who I was and didn't love who I ended up being and it took me all this time to get back to where I wanted to be. Now after much thought I guess forgiveness and starting anew is really what I was about all along. I forgive him for being blind and hurting me with such cruel intention. I want to start anew in a friendship that had made us such a great pair before. I don't want what was, but I do want the friendship that could be. So tomorrow, I am so nervous to loose everything I had worked for, all the walls I let down and the new and better person I have become.

I am so nervous to simply see your face and for fear of regressing.

I am so nervous I could vomit.

Life has been so incredible lately.

I realized that I had not blogged in a few days and that was because I was keeping busy and being rather happy. But why shouldn't you blog when your happy right?

Well real life has kicked back in with my dear friends from Recording Arts graduation yesterday. I love graduations, they are like weddings or births to me. Its the beginning, middle and end to everything all at once. It was bittersweet watching some of the sweetest and most talented guys I have met here after two years walk across that stage knowing I may or may not ever see them again. It's that graduating High School feeling, you think you will know them forever and then they somehow fade away and one day when you look back its a weird feeling that reaches into your mind and almost takes over for a moment, full of memories with good and bad times and wonderment in where they are now? For example now I look back two years after High School and laugh knowing that where I thought I would be all along is where I ended up. Those who were prevalent in my life and around for years, the ones that mattered, still matter and those who I thought would ALWAYS matter for the most part have faded away. But here I am two months away from graduation from COLLEGE. Holy crap. College is less than eight weeks from ending and then I am moving, getting a job (or attempting to), meeting my future life. EEEEP! I couldn't be happier with my decision tho, this was the right choice for me all along.

As far as the rest of my life besides classes and the end coming near the friends I have been surrounding myself with are ridiculously incredible. It is so electrifying to be around people with such passion and humor as well as getting to know them on an individual basis, helping to ease my mind by slight connections with people. At least I think I am connecting, the other day Annie and I had this incredible conversation and it was enlightening I felt for the first time in a long time that I was understood and I understood someone else for who they really were. I find myself smiling a lot more these days and laughing just as much if not more. Like now. I really can not get enough of it and the only sad part is now its ending....school is about to get intense and I will devoting myself entirely to it, as well as locking down a job, working on the Rites of Spring 2011 project and moving. The smiles and laughter I can only hope will keep me connected with these people for a lengthy amount of time.

Hope all is well readers,
Cait

I need a cuddle buddy and a good greek salad.

Where can you put in an ad for these things an not get a stalker, weird-o, or bad lettuce?

Cali (my kitten) has failed for the most part at this whole cuddling idea, I mean she sleeps on the chair, I sleep in my bed. I mean I don't have a California King here but, she could certainly share some room just for good measure. Where are the friends you use to call and ask to just come over a cuddle and for that matter why aren't they more prevalent in my life. Who doesn't love a cuddle buddy. Everyone does.

Much like a greek salad. Who doesn't enjoy some vine ripe tomatoes with feta cheese and some italian dressing, banana peppers, and SOME not that many olives. I don't know many and really for being the salad freak that I am there has been quiet a lack of them in my life.

*Insert moment of blanking out again* (read earlier post) that was followed by a knock on the door, at 3:30 in the morning? I suppose I neglected to tell you that I started writing this about 30 mins ago but then began banging out notes on the piano, which then lead to a full on belting session. Who was at the door, Tony & Tina (the cute neighbors who are engaged next door). Tony is slightly taller than me with a build like a jersey guy without the attitude (or tan). Tina comes in at a whopping 5'1 in her tiny asian frame, they are both adorable. Now back to the present, so it was 3:20ish and they knock on the door, I immediately open the door and apologize for being to loud, (this is why I love them... are you ready? you ready?!) They tell me that they just got back from a engagement party and heard me playing while walking up the stairs (yay for note knowing my window was open... right?) and wanted to know who it was because they thought it would be beautiful to play in their wedding video montage thing. I was taken aback at the fact they were so interested at 3 am but I guess thats the neighbors relationship we have had in the past.

The song "The next 10 minutes" from The Last 5 Years

I always enjoy sharing new shows with others and especially when they are used in context other than they are written. It makes me feel like the writer has done their job in sharing their message with a vast range of people. They reach more than their target medium and thats a large if not small goal I would assume one would attempt to reach lyrically and melodically.

Sleep Well.

It's 2 am again.

Do you ever get so tired that you are delirious? I think that's what happen last night when I posted. Accept my apologies for the utter confusion.

It's way to early in the morning but at this point I am afraid if I fall asleep I wont wake up in time for twitter class. I am trying to find a new way to let go of all this energy and restlessness I have been seeming to have built up. I tried decorating my apartment with records and albums, once that was over, it was over. I have attempted to teach myself more songs on the piano..it went well but I wanted to get up and move! So to no surprise to myself I took my laptop and hooked it up to the TV then blasted everything that youtube would handle. (I really miss my music on my laptop but, apple still has it hostage so Annie was nice enough to let me borrow her's.) Then onto grooveshark and before I knew it I was hoping from Dashboard to Gaga to Adele, then Last 5 Years (musical), Funny Girl (musical), then back to my new obsession Andy Hull's "Right Away, Great Captain" then to finish with pretty much everything pandora could throw my way..

I am almost positive that Tony & Tina next door are either out of town or very heavy sleepers.

Still wide awake. I am wondering how many other people are suffering from this inability to sleep. I am sure there is some astronomical number and 4,000 different facts that are scientifically proven but, there is my problem with that right there. "Scientifically proven" who decided that was the answer. Merp.

I was at a loss for words...

He asked me "What was on my mind?"

I really was at a loss for words for a few minuets. What was on my mind suddenly seemed to explode into a giant pile of images and words flooding my brain to the point where I had to close my eyes. Then it was blank and I really had no answer....

I blank out a lot which is funny because "he" use to blank out on me and it drove me nuts. Actually when anyone did, I couldn't stand it. I had a friend Sam who use to blank out all the time and just stare at you (please keep in mind there was nothing wrong he just spaced out) and you could look right at him calling his name for a min or so and then he would just come back all of the sudden. I am still convinced to this day there was something up but, he claims nothing. Point being it drove me up a wall for the longest time, now I can't seem to stop doing it.

Did ya see that...I did it right there!!! Of course not this is a blog Caitlin...jesh.

So what is on my mind? Eh? It's still so flooded, mainly this whole life changing event about to take place, the real world? YES PLEASE!

Elaboration to continue another day i have gotten to caught up in Right Away, Great Captain!

Where is everyone tonight...

I am having the craziest time keeping calm lately. One minute its all flowers and candy and the next I feel like the world is going to cave in.

What is up with my mind lately?

So here I am sitting trying to decide what vinyl records to put up on my wall. I feel like I am deciding my own fate, or that of the neighbors when they hear me trying to ever so lightly tap on my wall to hammer in these nails. Frank Zappa was the one that kept falling down... its almost ironic to me. The strong steadfast wall tho now contains Cyndi Lauper, Crobsy,Stills & Nash, The Clash, Grease (the original soundtrack), Pa Benatar, St.Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band, Breakfast at Tiffany's (The original soundtrack), Nat King Cole and many more.

As for things being astray in my mind right now I believe I am to the point where I would pay more than the 75 dollars but rather 10,000 dollars to find my Nikon charger. Taking photographs always eases my mind and gives me the outlet I spent so long looking for over the last two years, now I just need to find the charger to make it all happen because I really hate spending money, especially on something I already have.

I don't know who reads this (no one who knows me I am sure) but I am sure you think I am a crazy rambler by now. It's just my odd stream of consciousness... they all just seem to flow together into one giant thought. I think it's most likely something I certainly enjoy about myself, we can think of it as the ultimate multitasking.

Why is everyone so angsty lately?

To start this off were gonna go with I am GENERALLY a happy person. I like to laugh and smile, laughing makes me a positive person.

Yes I do enjoy music and its really the only thing that has made much sense to me for quite some time. However, we can really talk about anything and I enjoy listening to the general knowledge you have, or talking about pointless nonsense, there is no preference as long as we are going to discuss something.... well i take that back we can just sit and exist really. It seems that silence bugs the hell out of people. They feel awkward and look around and that makes me look around and feel awkward but, sometimes just sitting and existing is the best part! Especially for all you Full Sail kids who listen to music all day... what is so wrong with sitting quietly and just listening to the music as it encompasses you. (Isn't that the whole idea here?)

Now here is where we subtract the music chit chat and go with being HUMAN. I feel as if almost everyone I have met here is trying so hard to be into what's hip or what they believe sounds good and running with it (I'm talking marathon running). No one ever talks about why they are happy or sad, what goes on in their life minus school and listening to music while everyone gets drunk. No one shares the past and everyone is so caught up in the "now" that they don't have an answer for the future. Don't get me wrong these things are fine and we don't have to get all life meaning and heavy every time we have conversations but, there is more to a person. At least I think there has to be... music can be YOUR LIFE but, you have more to you than just that.... don't you? Don't I? I feel like everyone I have met in the past year is so scared to talk about themselves...WHY WHY WHY WHY!!!!! Ok well I know why I mean who just opens up to people about whatever is really going on in their minds with a general basis of friendship established (besides me... at least I use to). I find it strangely comforting if we happen to just begin a conversation and it leads to a topic in which I can see another side of you, something that takes a little effort to portray other than what you think I am expecting. Do you know the feeling? That sense that no, your not the only person who went through something or feels a certain way. I yearn for a human being who just wants to talk about EVERYTHING and who is feeling something besides the rhythm blasting from the speakers but rather is propelled by the speakers singing and the emotions we carry with us everyday.

It's almost like consistent people watching.... watching people holding back emotions. It's almost like being consistently alone all the time. I see you all thinking and feeling and hear nothing coming from your sewn lips. Perhaps that's why music is such a driving force for these people, it says everything we can't or wont say.

I'm just throwing out if there are any people who would like to talk about anything,everything, needs someone to listen or wants someone to listen to... your not alone.. at least I hope your not because then that would leave me here by myself as well. This is why everyone is so angsty lately there are more bottled emotions than a soda factory! I think this is what a therapist or counselor is for...

But then again I have always found more comfort in complete "unprofessional" strangers and people I call my friends.

So to sum this up in short: we have been friends for over a year now, what the heck are you feeling? And for that matter why do we never talk about it?

Everyone is so touchy lately...so snappy and bitter so I am just GENERALLY TRYING TO STAY POSITIVE! How is it working out?

It blows my mind...

When you generally meet someone you have a energetic pull towards them ( much like a magnet for those of you who really don't get that). This pull teases your mind to become actively engaged in the other mind and picking up on body language, references, common shared knowledge, ect. So someone tell me why it is so weird some times to hang around someone you CLEARLY have a FRIENDSHIP based connection with. Why must they assume any other intensions and why must we assume anything of that kind as well. I JUST WANT TO HANG OUT...I like to collect intelligent, diverse, positive people with a bit of baggage to be around. Why is it hard to say that "Hey, your intelligent, interesting, and adorable as all get out. Lets be super awesome best friends... sound good?"



I guess so....

There's a first time for everything...

There is something about being apart of someone's first... anything really. Its like acing a test or driving by yourself for the first time. (Of course there is a few more serious things like, weddings, graduations, births) Some other similar events might include... getting your first job, seeing a movie you have never seen, first kiss, first boyfriend/girlfriend, first partner, first moment of inspiration, child innocents at its best, losing your first tooth, first concert, first family loss, first birthday cake...(ok you get the point).

It really is a memory in your life that are hardly ever erased. I hardly ever forget the FIRST TIME something happens that is monumental for that person/myself in which it has never happen before. A point when life sometimes feels almost magical in the sense that you are holding a possibly very valuable moment in time. First are something I believe that I take for granted for example I watched a Michael Jackson music video (thriller if you want the details) in which the person HAD NEVER SEEN IT BEFORE! How does this happen you may ask, especially when they take an interest in the arts, who really knows?! So back to the matter at hand, as watching it I am bobbing along and reciting what I know when I stop and think during this 12 min or so video and I just freeze in though that this is a EXTREMELY monumental moment in his life. Even more so if he continues on with music and shares the same music with his off spring when they come along. It was the realization that I was permanently apart of someone's life and influences was a very powerful moment.

Other first with friends this week.
-playing mad libs
-going to IKEA
-being "influenced" in IKEA
-Used a regular film camera
-Watched a UFC fight
-Drank more than half of a bottle of Jagger
-Been two places at the same time.


Its been a great week to say the least.

next blog topic..nine review? I think I will have to enjoy it again before I can fully review...

Sweet dreams readers.

Your a car im a human, lets do the math.

The average curb weight of small cars is around 3180 pounds; for midsize cars, 3577 pounds; and for large cars, 3990 pounds.

The average human weighs anywhere from 120-200 lbs depending on height,build, and gender.

Ok so test one, your walking along the road (parking lot if you will) and your going to class. Now lets play a game called "the parking lot is not the autobahn" so as we humans or squirrels or bird or small woodland animal are crossing the paths through the cars lets first be aware that we are not all Andre the Giant.
We do not simply have the ability to see over the hummers a SUV or F150, such as well that even tho we can see over the mustangs, bmw's and mini coopers chances are we are looking at the ground, around us, or texting. So its not like we are paying attention!!!!!!!

No car you may not drive 60 down the parking lot in A)HOPES THAT IM LOOKING FOR YOU and B) HOPES THAT I AM GOING TO GET OUT OF YOUR WAY BEFORE YOU BOTHER TO LOOK FOR ME!

No I can not read your mind nor can I halt on break pads or control the rate at which my couple tons of a car is going, no I do not feel bad walking infront of your car when you are driving to fast and you have to stop. NO I AM NOT SORRY THAT YOU DIDNT LOOK BOTH WAYS LIKE WHEN YOU WERE IN SECOND GRADE AND YOUR PARENTS WERE TEACHING YOU HOW TO CROSS THE STREET. THIS IS NOT A CONVERSATION BETWEEN US AND DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO YELL AT ME JUST BECAUSE YOU CANT SEE THROUGH YOUR WINDSHIELD BECAUSE YOU FORGOT YOUR SUNGLASSES (which i forgot are the only way you can apparently see). Silly cars....

Whew.

Sponsor packet almost done...those of you that are reading thanks for the personal messages AND im still looking for an engineer and stage manager for next april!!!!!

All my love,
Cait

Things I should most likely return to

Smiling.

Church.

Writing.

Editing/taking pictures that really matter to me.

Finding someone to talk to...that I can confide in...

that doesn't know my life story.


Sigh. Back to sleep I go.

...

I thought these nightmares were over,
Stocked you in the back selfs,
Let someone else find you,
Make the same mistakes I made.

The sick feeling is rising through my veins,
Clenching stomach tearing eyes,
Waking up to the only settling fact,
Your not really here.

No walk in the park or a simply melody,
Its been harder than I remember,
Jagged pieces of our memories still cutting at the mind
The nightmare continues.

And all I ever wanted was to bath in our love forever,
And all I ever wanted was to still feel safe in your presence,
And all I ever wanted was to be able to put you away.

Back in the selfs where no one could find you,
Into the darkest corner so you could feel my pain,
Through all this internal tangles my organs knotting into one

But you keep creeping into my memories,
Your like the waves suffocating a swimmer so close to the shore.
Isn't this suppose to get easier?

I had found my way
A smile was something I knew and loved with each passing day
more and more

Now here we are again...both books sitting next to each other
In the darkest corner
We did this to ourselves

you be the producer..let me know when your done...

Ok thanks bye!

EXCUSE ME! EXXXXXCUSSSSE ME?

Lets start with the facts:

I have a lot of talented friends... not in a snobby way but they sing, dance, play instruments, draw, capture through photography, write all that jazz.. fact one.

I would love to be a manager for artist and even more so Iam working on opening a technical agency to deal strictly with engineers, set designers, light designers, and production/touring crews... fact two.

Yes, I do in fact love being apart of projects that suck up my social life and time because it is really what I want to do in my life and what I have been doing has sucked my life up into a wonderful collection of ...mix drinks if you will.. that are simply delish and have great looking garnishes (not like that fancy umbrella your thinking of more so like a twisted rind of a lemon or lime or perhaps the fruit you would find holding itself with pride on the side of a Pina Colada). <-- Fact three.

Now lets get down to what happen:

I can not simply run everything for you until you have run out of options, money, time, and patience. You can not simply just think I am going to pull everything out of thin air... while I have been known to get some amazing deals done and really just pulled together something into nothing (with the help of lady luck and some good karma) I CAN NOT MAKE EVERYTHING WORK ALL THE TIME. I am not perfect and really it terrifies me that you hold me up to such a standard. I would love nothing more than to have all the answers for you but in this situation I am going to need a plane ticket and a hot meal! I really dislike it coming down to all of this and to tell you the truth it took me all night last night not to lose my mind trying to get this deal for us...while you were sleeping. Its the price I assume we all pay in our job somewhere, you having to sleep and dream about musical notes dancing around taylor swift as she plays her guitar and gets into a cat fight with kanye west and I myself pulling my hair out at 2am with the licensing guy for central park who feels the need to take care of important business at all hours of the morning.

The myth here is that while in fact you think I have 9 million hands to take care of everything ALL THE TIME alas god has not granted me with such a gift and while I am greatly appreciative of you thinking of me in such high regards, please take a step back before you ask me to type a cover letter because "you just didn't remember how". I'm not saying that simply asking for the cover letter is to much because really it takes all of 5 seconds. I am simply asking that you take those 5 wonderful seconds reach your hand out to the keys of this laptop and go to the google tab. That in short would save me energy and time as I spend an hour an a half securing a rental license with a videographer and shifting through paperwork to find the licenses and budget that you mailed me in basically a neatly, organized, typed up BALL OF PAPER.

All-in-all lets say that for the night we were successful in getting all licenses and rental gear secured.. now if only we could find a stage manager...