...

I thought these nightmares were over,
Stocked you in the back selfs,
Let someone else find you,
Make the same mistakes I made.

The sick feeling is rising through my veins,
Clenching stomach tearing eyes,
Waking up to the only settling fact,
Your not really here.

No walk in the park or a simply melody,
Its been harder than I remember,
Jagged pieces of our memories still cutting at the mind
The nightmare continues.

And all I ever wanted was to bath in our love forever,
And all I ever wanted was to still feel safe in your presence,
And all I ever wanted was to be able to put you away.

Back in the selfs where no one could find you,
Into the darkest corner so you could feel my pain,
Through all this internal tangles my organs knotting into one

But you keep creeping into my memories,
Your like the waves suffocating a swimmer so close to the shore.
Isn't this suppose to get easier?

I had found my way
A smile was something I knew and loved with each passing day
more and more

Now here we are again...both books sitting next to each other
In the darkest corner
We did this to ourselves

you be the producer..let me know when your done...

Ok thanks bye!

EXCUSE ME! EXXXXXCUSSSSE ME?

Lets start with the facts:

I have a lot of talented friends... not in a snobby way but they sing, dance, play instruments, draw, capture through photography, write all that jazz.. fact one.

I would love to be a manager for artist and even more so Iam working on opening a technical agency to deal strictly with engineers, set designers, light designers, and production/touring crews... fact two.

Yes, I do in fact love being apart of projects that suck up my social life and time because it is really what I want to do in my life and what I have been doing has sucked my life up into a wonderful collection of ...mix drinks if you will.. that are simply delish and have great looking garnishes (not like that fancy umbrella your thinking of more so like a twisted rind of a lemon or lime or perhaps the fruit you would find holding itself with pride on the side of a Pina Colada). <-- Fact three.

Now lets get down to what happen:

I can not simply run everything for you until you have run out of options, money, time, and patience. You can not simply just think I am going to pull everything out of thin air... while I have been known to get some amazing deals done and really just pulled together something into nothing (with the help of lady luck and some good karma) I CAN NOT MAKE EVERYTHING WORK ALL THE TIME. I am not perfect and really it terrifies me that you hold me up to such a standard. I would love nothing more than to have all the answers for you but in this situation I am going to need a plane ticket and a hot meal! I really dislike it coming down to all of this and to tell you the truth it took me all night last night not to lose my mind trying to get this deal for us...while you were sleeping. Its the price I assume we all pay in our job somewhere, you having to sleep and dream about musical notes dancing around taylor swift as she plays her guitar and gets into a cat fight with kanye west and I myself pulling my hair out at 2am with the licensing guy for central park who feels the need to take care of important business at all hours of the morning.

The myth here is that while in fact you think I have 9 million hands to take care of everything ALL THE TIME alas god has not granted me with such a gift and while I am greatly appreciative of you thinking of me in such high regards, please take a step back before you ask me to type a cover letter because "you just didn't remember how". I'm not saying that simply asking for the cover letter is to much because really it takes all of 5 seconds. I am simply asking that you take those 5 wonderful seconds reach your hand out to the keys of this laptop and go to the google tab. That in short would save me energy and time as I spend an hour an a half securing a rental license with a videographer and shifting through paperwork to find the licenses and budget that you mailed me in basically a neatly, organized, typed up BALL OF PAPER.

All-in-all lets say that for the night we were successful in getting all licenses and rental gear secured.. now if only we could find a stage manager...

Snaps to you my dear

This dashboard kick has got to either evolve into a complete obsession again or go through the motions and move along for a bit I think my cat is being to think im very distraught and with no reason. Why? Why no distress....

BECAUSE I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY! Life has just been moving along with me in the same direction each day has been full of new adventures and I become more in tune with myself once agin. I can't just believe how far I strayed from where I had started and where I knew I things were right. Its so nice to be back its like finding your favorite jacket or blanket on a cold night as you lay your head down for the evening.

So today the topic shall be clearly a great GREAT book with little shorts about animals to brighten your day. I mean Matthew Gasteier was on point completely with my usual stream of thought with random babble tying all stream of consciousness together, just speaking a bit outlandish and bold but with a slightly twisted humor that everyone enjoys. So on that note, lets skip over to perceptions much like that of an animal and how much first impression can really effect the view and people in your life. We see a tiger, bear, shark and DANGER,STAY AWAY, STOP is the first thing that comes to mind (for the most of us anyway) when you see a Puppy,Mouse,or Kitten you hardly think anything other than SWEET, GENTLE, and KIND. In this case Mr.Gasteier would say WRONG WRONG CURSE,CURSE,WRONG,LOW BLOW,CURSE! You should never be fooled by a good or bad first impression I believe. I mean lets take the tiger for example...



Now Roy didn't really see it coming... first impression the tiger was most likely much that of a natural FIGHT OR FLIGHT reaction (I am going to believe that he leaned more towards the flight at that moment) and then once that initial first impression was over and he learned the behaviors of the animal and its likes and dislikes he grew to work with, love and be inspired by the majestic white tiger. This is much like that of any first impression we have about one another, in those first few seconds of connection we read body language, take in "the view", and have our preconceived notion of who this person is in general. But perhaps they meet again maybe one person in the party is having a better day or seems just not as much of an asshole as one thought. So by chance you try this again and its like taking that second shot never as bad as the first might be. Then the third and the fourth,,and so on and so on ... perhaps we are much like the tiger sadly in all aspects when finally we have trusted trainer and tiger and then for one reason or another someone turns...its never who you suspect it is. So really Gasteier's comments can be strewn into a direct correlation with the things people think about one another and never say.

I wonder what people think when they meet me and really let me talk, yes I am funny ( at times), I'm a great listener and at times I am very serious, I strive to be as knowledgeable as possible and believe in the improbable .... but I wonder how many people that scares off then welcomes...or vice versa...


food for thought.

Goodnight and God Bless

Belle of the boulevard

Yea lets start with a blog title of a song by Dashboard....anyone still here?

This has been such a crazy time for me, So much has gone from blindness to complete and utter hell back to bliss.
I think most people call this life....sigh. I have had the undying sense of adventure lately and have been craving meeting and connecting with new people and I can't get enough of it really. Life seems to be falling together much better now and I mean who could really ask for more other than I would like my best friend back WHO HAS TO THINK ABOUT things like that...men will always evade me. But that sentence I believe will be my only man hating segment for this blog because what is past is past right...no one ever thinks about the past. (I hope everyone is catching onto the sarcasm over the last two comments)

This rain is truly inspiring me and so is finding my music of choice thanks to a few new people that I completely forgot about... I have spent the last hour reading reviews on albums old and new by Dashboard, MGMT, and copeland. Its insane how a year of RA and now the actually composing and instrumentation of a song captures my attention and makes me want to know everything about the album process unique to its artist and creators.

On the copeland note NO MORE US TOURS I remember when they use to play battle of the bands and an old attorney office back home while we drove an hour to listen and drink cheap beer feeling a bit closer to the world in those moments we were alive we were all connected and it felt like that was where I belonged...since then those moments seem to be more and more frequent but they will never compare to the nickel tasting beer as the band played till 3 in the morning.

The rain is lulling me to sleep
God bless